Longing

Suddenly I feel homesick. I'm not sure why. The past few days I've had moments where I have imagined myself in the city I grew up in, walking around and visiting favorite spots. And then suddenly I'll feel a sense of loss that's so acute it brings tears to my eyes.

I want to go back; I feel I need to go back, but I just can't yet. I'm trying to reconcile the need for peace that I have, with the overwhelming desire to quietly, secretly, and anonymously make that trip. I know that I need to go back and follow my own pace and process my feelings. I don't necessarily know that I have the spiritual energy to deal with family members. I love them dearly but I don't know that I could cope with their love and attention.

Maybe it's just another manifestation of all the stress that's been following me lately. Maybe I'm seeing it as an escape from the anxieties and worries that are currently hounding me and subconsciously I'm hoping that trip could be my saving grace. I certainly wish that I could finally make up my mind and decide what I'm going to do.

When I think of getting away for a break, there are so many other places I could go. Places that I would like to see that don't have any of my baggage attached.
Could it possibly be fear that's stopping me? I wonder how many years it takes to put grief in a proper place?

As usual, I have lots of questions, but very few answers. I also wonder if this is one way to drive yourself mad?